People Who Bother Me

I wrote this a while ago. Back when Gerald Ford died. I'm glad that whole thing is over.

Some famous people deserve their fame, others deserve fame, and don't get it. And then there are those who don't deserve it, and have it. These people never cease to amaze me. I found seven people who baffle me the most.

Queen Latifah - Oh, Queen Latifah. You're so unnecessary. And confusing. Where do I begin? Well, let's start with your name. If by chance I were to know you personally, would I call you Queen, or Latifah? Both are the epitome of idiocracy, as far as names go, so I suppose it really wouldn't matter. Or perhaps the people close to you call you by some sort of pseudonym. Like Dana. Anyways, Ms. Latifah, what have you done lately? According to IMDb, you've made a truckload of terrible movies that my Mom would like. It also says you were a human beatbox for "Ladies Fresh", and were a female rapper of some sort. But all of us whippersnappers are too young to remember that. AND it says you were in the movie "Country Bears", which is the worst movie made in the last five years, hands down. Seriously, I was babysitting and had to sit through the whole thing, because Camden wanted to watch it. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to bite my veins out. Okay, anyways, I'm not too sure why you're still famous. You might be a great actress, but who would want to sit through a movie like "The Cookout" to discover that. I've never seen it, but with my Mom and her "let's watch every terrible movie, ever!" thing, I'm sure I will. Also, you're hosting the People's Choice Awards. The 3rd least respected awards show ever. Right after the Kid's Choice Awards and the Teen's Choice Awards. As if people know what's good or bad. People are stupid. Especially in masses. So I'm assuming the exec's at People's Choice Awards came to you, after being rejected by Crazy Tom Cruise, Tyra Banks, Brooke Hogan, and Flavor Flav.

Marilyn Manson - Before you kids get mad at me for defaming a potentially great musician, you have to understand something. I only have 3 fears: Dinosaur skeletons, large dead animals that have been stuffed, and Marilyn Manson. He's so hellishly creepy looking. I think it's the differently colored eyes. Anyways, at the moment, his only claim to fame is: he married and divorced a stripper. Supposedly he's a normal guy, but his skin tone leaves me to beg to differ. Also he's making the movie "Phantasmagoria". Go look it up.

Justin Timberlake - I hate to break it to you, ladies, he's really not that great looking. Not ugly by any means, but I get this weird Eminem vibe from him. You know those guys who wear wife beaters, khaki pants/shorts and maybe a fedora, because they're classy. Not only that, didn't he used to be in like, N*Sync? I was never a part of that whole "boy-band" craze. I thought they were all terrible. I still do. So, I guess my first impression of him, which was "what a fag" stuck.

Bono and U2 - Now if you want to find selfish pride, look no further than Bono. I know what you're thinking: "But, Adrienne! He went to Africa and helped starving children!" Yeah. Sure. As if he cares. It's all a publicity stunt. Why else would a terrible band like U2 be popular? People are all like "If I buy this U2 CD, I'll be indirectly saving the world." No, you won't. You'll be giving Bono more money to buy hideous glasses. Also, we have that ridiculous name thing going on again. I bet his real name is like Derby. Derby Johnson. But he wanted a "rockin'-cool" name, like... BONO! If I were him I'd change it to something like Laser Death. Not Bono. That sounds like some gross Indian food with too much curry, that your Mom made, and you have to eat it, because otherwise she'll get discouraged and never make anything new, ever.

George Lopez - You tell me something funny George Lopez said that was funny, and I'll show you the magical rainbow pig that lives in my garbage.

Gerald Ford - This is really more about how famous his death was, rather than how famous his life was. From what I understand, he was never officially elected President. He was appointed when Nixon resigned. That's why they call him the Accidental President. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sounds like a respected title to me. I don't think he was a bad president, but I'm not like, 70-something, so I wouldn't really know. But he was 93 years old. That's what old people do, they die. That sounds heartless, but the media is treating like it's never happened before. Not only that, he's been dead since he died. I don't need anymore "Special Updates" on his death. He's not getting any deader. But if he rises from the grave and goes on a mass killing spree, then you can tell me.

Janet Jackson - I feel bad for people like her. Clinging to their last thread of fame like a starving Guatemalan child clings to his last bowl of rice. This is one person I think needs to retire soon. She's like 45. Not that that's old, but for her genre, it is. Also, I'm pretty sure she can't sing. She has lovely voice enhancers to help her.
She also has the "gotta have a much plastic surgery as possible." Their whole family seems to have that problem. She looks like an alien. A heavily airbrushed alien. She needs to go retire somewhere remote. Like... Vermont. And start playing professional pool, and very slowly become the world's greatest pool champion ever. And then she can have her fame back.