Things I Shouldn't Have Said #2

"God! I hate green Nyquil! It tastes like witch vomit or something."

"World AIDS Day is the same day as All-Region. Coincidence? I think not."

"Let's play a game. It's called: FIND THE MOST DISPROPORTIONATE PERSON IN THE ROOM!"

"Ms. Lynch! Since we have TRANSition metals as our topic for our project, can we dress up as TRANSformers? That way I can have an excuse to buy the Optimus Prime Voice Changer Mask other than the fact that I just really want one."

"I'm actually looking forward to my AP World History Project because I'm going to have one badass power point."

"See, I'm a slacker, and my parents reward me for things I should and could be doing already. You are an overacheiver, and thus your parents expect you do to well, and you don't get rewarded. So, underachieving is the way to rewards."

"Wes! You know what would be cool? A bracelet made of human hair!"

Thnxgv

Well, it has been a quiet weekend so far, and I'm rather enjoying it. Except for the fact that I can't go anywhere, or talk to anyone. I was, however, allowed to go with my Mom to get my hair cut. It's basically the same haircut I've been getting since the end of eighth grade, except my bangs are shorter. So, nothing exciting there.

Today, the supposed "highlight" of my weekend went intriguingly:

As you can guess, I am terrible at meeting people. It's probably because I don’t really want to meet new people. I’m quite fine with the people I know now. Obviously, I occasionally soften my robot soul and let people get to know me, because otherwise I would probably be miserable, and have social skills equivalent to those of a slab of concrete. Another thing that makes meeting people hard for me is that if I don’t like someone, it’s incredibly hard for me to hide my disapproval; my words coat themselves with a thick layer of bitter sarcasm. I also don’t relate to people well: I don’t watch movies or television, I listen to music that isn’t on the radio, and for the last few months, marching band took up the majority of my life. So, when I walked into my cousins house, and saw all the unfamiliar faces, I collapsed inside. It meant I would have to awkwardly try to be nice, and friendly to people I don’t know and probably don’t like.
Luckily for me, I have Wes. In situations like this, he is a lifesaver. I can stick with him, and we can avoid human contact together. Generally, when we go to places and we don’t know anyone, and it’s expected that we “hang out with the other kids”, we just sit in the corner and discuss how much and why we don’t like anybody.
Our cousins, Sarah and Joe, are the anti-Adrienne and Wesley. Everything we are, they completely counteract. We have exactly nothing in common. Thus, we usually avoid them, and fulfill our unspoken pact. This time, all the kids from Sarah and Joe’s step-father’s family were there, and Wes and I had never met them. We exchanged exasperated glances, and continued to follow our parents. Parents are the ultimate scapegoat. You can follow them around, and discourage people from talking to you. We did this for a about thirty minutes, until it was time to eat. We were then informed that we had to eat at the “kids table” (because you know, I’m going to spill mashed potatoes all over the carpet). Wesley and I stuck by each other, and sat at the furthest end of the table. After we awkwardly introduced ourselves, the other “kids” at the table (the youngest was eleven), started a conversation about “Live Free and Die Hard”, a movie I will probably never see. Wesley and I stayed away from the conversation. When we had finished eating, I went to go complain at my Dad, to see if he would leave early. He pulled the whole “sometimes it’s not about you” scheme, so I went back upstairs to wait it out. (On a totally unrelated topic that I can’t work into my story: There was this lady with the NASTIEST FEET EVER. I’m serious, it looked like they were dead, and slowly rotting away. They were all grey, and large amounts of skin flaking off, and there were random pockets of ... I don’t know, and one dangerously untrimmed toenail that looked like mice had tried to eat it, but then died trying, and when you walked within ten feet of her, she smelled like corpse [or what I assume corpse smells like] and she was fangoriously fat, and had enormous kankles) Then, in an unexpected turn of events, this girl about my age, named Suzette, I believe, came up to me, did a backbend, and asked me to sit on her stomach. This doesn’t happen to me often (although you would think otherwise), so I didn’t really know how to handle it. I declined her offer, and went to go play Ping-Pong with my Mom. Suzette came up to me and the following conversation took place:

Suzette (S): Hey! Let’s go on a walk!
Me: ... Okay?
S (While on our walk): I love the cold weather! It’s so much better than hot weather. I mean, you can still be hot and naked, but you can always put more layers on in the cold. But I like hot weather because I love swimming!
Me: Uh... yeah. Cold weather is pretty neat.
S: Don’t tell anyone but I had a crush on my cousin when I was younger. Only you and Wesley know.
Me: Oh. Heh.
S: Joe is so mean; One time we had this party and it was really late, and we decided to wait till the morning to clean up, and then Joe and his family make an unexpected visit to our house, and he was all like “I can’t believe how messy this place is.” And we have seven animals!
Me: Heh... he’s pretty obnoxious.
S: AHHAHHAHAHHHA! I KNOW! Your brother is so nice though! You are so lucky!
Me: I know. I don’t thank him enough.
S: I REALLY need new Pomegranate Body Spray! It smells SO good.
Me: Yeah. I like pomegranates.
S: I am totally boy-crazy. See, look at my hand. I wrote all the guys names I like on it. I would have written more, but my Dad took the Sharpie away.
Me: Yeah. I don’t really do things like that.
S: I name a monkey after each guy I like!
Me: What?
S: HAHHAHAHHAHHA! You are the first person to assume that!
Me: Good...?

I swear that is exactly the conversation we had. I’m not making any part of it up.

It reminded me of why I don’t like people, and why I don’t try to make new friends. Because people like her exist.


But in spirit of Thanksgiving (or Thnxgv, if you’re cool), I am thankful for the following:

Jesus.
My fantastic little brother, Wesley.
My parents.
My friends who like me despite my overbearing cynicism and my general dislike of... almost everything everything, and give me a reason to stay alive.
Transformers.
Moccasins.
Harry Potter.
Apple Computer products.
Not being a poor African child with AIDS living on grass ground up with dirt.
Skinny jeans.
Pointy shoes.
The Strokes.
Geraldo at Large.
Mustaches.
Pillows.
Cats.
Charcoal pencils.
Mr. Longo.
Pesto.
Piano.
Showers.
Not living in Nebraska.
Mr. Brumbaugh.
Mall cops.
Nyquil (NOT THE GREEN KIND!)
You. You read this, and for that, I love you. But I probably loved you before that.

Unnecessary Colons

So here's the deal: I'm grounded from my life till I get my grades back up. However, my Mom is terribly enthralled with a phone call as of now, and I'm sneaking in a blog post, because I feel like I have an obligation to do so. I mean, I haven't done this in like... 2 months... or something. I'm not going to go check.

Anyhoodle, so much has happened since then. However, rather than giving you a three page, pointless rant about each major event that happened, I'm just going to sum it up in one word, and let you use your imagination to figure out why.

Homecoming : Exasperating.
First World History Test : Mind-Boggling
Marching Band : Eleven
School In General : Life-Consuming
PSAT: Fun (I really like correcting people's grammar.)

Hmm. I thought my life consisted of more than that. I guess not.

I suppose my point is: I want to quit my life and start anew as a wandering vagrant. My abundance of problems would disintegrate. All I would have to worry about is where I would sleep and who I would eat. (I'm assuming most vagrants are mildly cannibalistic.) I could yell belligerently at passer-bys and do my laundry in whiskey.

I don't know where this is going so: (by the way, the theme of this blog is Unnecessary Colons, if you couldn't already tell)

My Least Favorite Reality-Type Game Shows:

5. Survivor

I remember when the first Survivor came out, and started this Reality Show Revolution. Survivor is what I think really started it all. Now, in the beginning, it was a novel idea; people living out in the jungle simply trying to survive (and do random tasks and what-not.) But after many years, this idea has grown tired, and boring. We've come to Survivor: China. I mean, China's not that bad. It's not as isolated and deslolate sounding as like, a lonely island. Soon they'll run out of foreign places and have to start Survivor: North Dakota, or Survivor: New Jersey. (Which, respectfully, probably have their own unique challenges.) However, I think Survivor is one of those shows that just need to end. No one will miss it. It just needs to be let go. Like an old faithful dog in pain with broken back, just let it go.

4. America's Got Talent

There are a lot of reasons this show doesn't work. I wish it did, however. There are a lot of random talented people that have no real place to show off their obscure abilities. However, it's very hard to judge singing against ventriloquist-ing. Or flute playing against interpretive dancing. It's like (for the lack of a better similie) comparing apples to oranges. It's just not plausible. I think the writers of the show realized that, and so they did what all shows do when they find themselves in a corner: ask America. As if Americans know the difference between good and bad. The majority of us voted for Bush... twice! Why on earth would you ask the masses what is best? As for AGT's panel of judges, I think they basically just called all the out of work B-List celebrities, and came up with Sharon Osbourne and David Hasslehoff. Why exactly would they be good judges of anything? Sharon married Ozzy Osbourne, who... doesn't even need an explanation! And The Hoff is an angry drunk who yells at his daughter and eats hamburgers of the floor. Why should these people even be on television? Once again, the writers realized this, and called on the second biggest Reality-Game-Show cliche: A random critical British guy.
That way it looks like it's mildly accurate. To top it all off, we grab Jerry Springer, famous for shows with cheating transvestites, and have him host this monstrosity of a show. Sounds like a keeper.

3. elimiDATE

This show is so very improbable. Let's start with the premise: An incredibly attractive guy chooses his date from 5 skank-faces. First of all, how many handsome and charming single guys are out there? Theoretically, this man should not need elimiDATE in the first place, unless he has some horrible flaw, like AIDS or he's dangerously racist or something. Now, this horribly flawed attractive young man has the privilege of choosing from 5 ho-bags. I'm not really exaggerating this one. These are girls who are willing to make out with people before they know their name. That's not really socially acceptable, or sanitary for that matter. After they've made their acquaintances, they are then placed in an awkward situation. For example, one time they went to this sushi restaurant that served it's food on naked people. Like, the person was the plate, because nothing says "I want to get to know you" than eating raw fish off of an unclothed person. Then the guy chooses three girls to go the next "round." This continues till he's found his "perfect match." I'm assuming most people don't talk to each other after they're done with the show, but assuming the relationship does work out, how would you be able to tell people you met on a sleazy game show? "Hey Mom, meet my girlfriend... Shindelleia... she was the skankiest out of five girls." I mean, it's just so illegitimate.

2. Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

The two main things that make this show unbearable (or would make any show unbearable for that matter) are:

Stupid Americans

and

Jeff Foxworthy

Do I need to explain?


1. The Next Great American Band

This is by far the worst show on television, ever. Worse than "Two And A Half Men" and "According to Jim" combined.

It defies everything I stand for. They take crappy bands, tell America that this is what good music should sound like, and have America vote. Like I said, America shouldn't do voting of any kind! Especially not for music. The general masses think that Britney Spear's "Gimme More" is good. And it is very clearly not.

I think this show would bother me less if they did it fairly. You know, like, actually taking the best bands and having real music judges. But no, they take random bands from each genre, and try to pretend like it's possible to compare them to each other. Music is so subjective, you can't tell me The Strokes are bad because you don't like them, just like I technically can't say My Chemical Romance is bad. You can't say that a screamo band called "Light of Doom" is better than a country band called "Cliff Wagner and the Old #7". You just can't. They aren't on the same scale. It's each person's individual opinion! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT'S GOOD AND WHAT'S BAD! IT'S MY DECISION. THIS IS AMERICA, KIDS. I GET TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. (Except voting for stupid reality shows.)


Okay. Well.

Thanks to all both of you that read this. It means a lot to me.