11 Most Ridiculous Items Sold in the SkyMall

As I believe I've stated before, I love the SkyMall. I will never buy anything from there, but it's hilarious imagining that there are people out there that would. I'm assuing their target consumer must be wealthy, old, senile people, who buy things solely because they can. On my last flight, I took my copy of the SkyMall with me. I picked out the 11 Most Ridiculous Items Sold in the SkyMall.

11 - Shure Earbuds.

Trust me, I know how important it is to have good headphones/earbuds. My favorite pair are missing and I have to use the dumb earbuds that came with my iPod, and they work about as well as cars made out of paper. Anyway, I bet these earbuds are really great. They look comfortable, sleek, stylish. There's only one small problem: they cost $600. You could buy two video iPods, and still have money left over, for that amount! I mean, I could understand paying, maybe a $100 for a nice set, but please! $600? They better do my laundry, and walk my dog.

10 - The Talking Bible

Basically, it's the Bible recorded onto a bulky device that resembles a early cassette player. They say that old people can use it if they can't see well enough to read. And it's portable! So you can be shopping, and much the annoyance of everyone around them! Not only that, but you'll have no idea where you are, or be able to find the passage you want! What a deal. Only $79.99.

9 - Remote Controlled Shark

This is exactly what it sounds like: a shark that can be remotely controlled underwater. I'm not sure what the exact uses for this is, but I assume it has to do with World Domination Schemes, used my generally unsuccesfull super-villains. Like, Dr. Boomrage is trying to capture the President by carefully placing a remote controlled shark in a pond nearby the White House. The President goes out to check his pond, and a shark shoots a net at him, while Dr. Boomrage's henchmen, Snarls and Swindle, are waiting close by to take the trapped President back to their lair. But something goes horribly awry, and Snarls and Swindle end up in the netted mess, and the President goes off without a scratch. While Snarls and Swindle return the lair, Dr. Boomrage calls them "blundering dolts," and begins working on the next scheme. Which will involve a train.

8 - A Computer Monitor With An iPod Dock

Tried of having your iPod not directly plugged in to your computer? Wish you could play music while being on the computer at the same time? Good news! You already can! But if you want to pay $459.95 for something your computer already does, be my guest!

7 - World's Largest Crossword Puzzle

I don't know about you, but I am terrible at crossword puzzles. Maybe it's the dyslexia. But seriously, how am I supposed to know a ten letter word for "not able to be recognized'? What kind of crap is that? However, some people are really good at them, and enjoy them, which is why they sell a 7' by 7' poster for your wall, consisting of one gigantic crossword puzzle. It's has 28,000 ridiculously incomprehensible clues, and 91,000 tiny squares.

6 - Waterproof iPod Case

For all those times when your at a pool party, and you think "Fuck this, I'm listening to My Chemical Romance...which is far cooler than these stupid people I'm with." Yeah, guess what, you're not cool. Get a life. Stop listening to your iPod 24/7.

5 - The Runaway Alarm Clock

Basically this thing is supposed to roll off your nightstand, and runaway from you whilst making loud, high pitched noises. Theoretically, you are to chase after it, thus getting you up. This seems like it would work, because it would force you to get out of bed. But usually, when I am forced out of bed for bathroom, or turning on my fan reasons, I have no trouble falling back into the fabulous country of Dreamland. So, you could just turn off the alarm clock, and go back to sleep. And if you really want to waste money and defeat the purpose, you can take the wheeles off! So then it's just a regular alarm clock. All of this nonsense for the low price $59.99!

4 - "Poison Oak" Tree Sculpture

I've never been a big fan of the whole "let's put a face on this tree" thing. I freaks me out. Even the happy, smiley ones. But this one is in a league of it's own.






WHAT THE HELL?!?!? That thing is the scariest thing you could put on a tree, ever. It makes me want to cut down some more of the rainforest. Or, kill some pandas, or something.

3 - Basho, The Sumo Wrestler Sculpture

I like Japanese things. They're so small and cute, and totally unnecesary. Like Hello Kitty. I mean, where would we be without Hello Kitty? I also like non-sushi Japanese food. Such as tempura. I also like Japanese technology. Such as everything I own.
I do not, however, like Sumo Wrestling. Maybe it's a cultural thing. But I can't handle fat guys in rather relieveling diapers hugging each other, while grunting. Just not my thing. So, maybe Japanese people would like this statue, but I certainly don't.



At least the were smart enough to take a picture of it at the most not-nauseating angle. Ha, could imagine walking into someone's house, and finding that? What would you say? "Hey, I like your naked baby statue." "Did someone forcibly make you put that monstrosity in your home?' I don't know. I would throw it out a nearby window when they weren't looking.

2 - Summer Footed Pajamas

Everyone has had footed pajamas. Mine had neon dinosaurs on them. I was four years old. It was undeniably cute, and I loved those dino pajamas. So cozy, and warm.

But would I want them now?

Not really. I mean, I'm 15 now. Doesn't that quantify as being "a little too old" for footed pajamas?

I guess not:



They advertise that they are "great for all ages". No, they are for cute four year olds. This reminds me of something your distant Aunt would send you. They'd see the words "all ages" and assume that you want one. Then, a week later you have footed pajamas with multicolored skulls on them. What do you do? By no means are you going to wear them, but your Aunt will eventually make an unannounced visit, and you will have to wear them. And look like a four year old. This is a message for all people trying to by gifts for people my age, and don't know anything about them: just give us money. It will be so much more useful, and we'll actually get something we want. Not footed pajamas.

1 - Digital Countdown Toaster

Before I make fun of this, you must read the description:

We have put a man on the moon, but we still don't know when the toast will be done. Now there's no more guesswork with the Digital Countdown Toaster. This new 4-slice toaster features a visible digital countdown LED timer that indicates when the toast is ready with an audible ring, so you can grab it while it's hot!

A bagel function toasts the cut side of the bagel and warms the outer crust and the "Set & Forget" slide control assures that your bagel, waffles, French toast and more, and then toast it to perfection! When your phone or doorbell rings, simply push the cancel button and it will stop mid-cycle and wait for you!

An electronic sensor ensures consistent browning results, time after time, and a safety "anti-jam," feature automatically shuts off the power. Has easy-touch control buttons and removable crumb tray for easy cleaning. This is quite simply the finest toaster ever invented. You'll want one of these - so will your friends.

A truly great gift for only $129.99



Do any of you have serious problems with your toaster? Mine seems to be doing it's job. It toasts things. But apparently, that's just not enough. I guess I just didn't realize how much time I was wasting not knowing how much time my toast was going to take. This toaster does not speed up the toasting process, it just tells you that it's going to take about three mintues. Then it lets you know that it's done with an audible ring! That's twelve times better than the sound of my toast popping up. Oh man! Now I can go do things while I'm making toast. No more "Oh, sorry Sarah, I can't talk now, I'm toasting." Or "Nancy, go home, I'm making toast, and can't answer the door."

Nonsense.

Just nonsense.