SWORDS AND TEQUILA!!

Last night, my Mom asked me to download all of her CD's to our computer, so she could put them on her iPod. She gave me 18 CD's, most of which, I don't like. Except for Cat Stevens. Anyway, This took approximately 3 hours to do, because not only does my computer not enjoy downloading CD's, I was also really distracted. This was because my Dad got new CD's and kept talking at me about them. Not that I don't respect his opinion on 80's power rock, it's just, I've heard his "Music Speech" so many times that I just stop listening now. Anyway, he acquired "Fire Down Under" by Riot, a little known metal band from the Eighties. My Dad asked me to play "Swords and Tequila". I wasn't really sure what to expect from a song with a name like thatLyrt after listening to a few of his other favorite metal songs, I came to a few conclusions:

1. It doesn't matter if you're a good guitar player or not.

As long as you have cool effects, and annoyingly high solos, no one will know.

2. Lyrics are of least importance.

It's apparently acceptable to simply yell/sing phrases that have absolutely no meaning. Case in point: Swords and Tequila

Dirty city, dirty games,
Dirty women, dirty shames.
The life that you lead,
The chance that you took.
A shadow in the night,
On the line, you're hooked.
If you see us comin',
Don't you, run the other way.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the fight.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the fight.
Wait for the night to fall,
To plan their attack.
Fightin' songs, on parade, they march.
An army in black.
Killers without a cause,
Rebels with no name.
City's gone to the underground,
Caught in a deadly game.
If you see us comin',
Don't you, run the other way.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the fight.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the fight.
And I just don't mean kickin' ass.
If you see us comin',
Don't you, run the other way.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the fight.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through the night.
Swords and tequila,
Carry me through, carry me through the fight.


I don't really what connotations swords and tequila have in this song, but like I said, it doesn't matter. Preferably, all metal songs should have the word 'night' somewhere in there. If you've got that, the rest doesn't matter. Seriously, how exactly are swords and tequila going to "carry you through the night"? I have no idea. Actually, if you explain to me the true, deep meanings of this song, you are a genius, and you will be greatly rewarded... or something.

3. Eighties Metal songs should make you feel like you need to have bigger hair, high-waisted pants, a car, and loser boyfriend.

I can just imagine it. My name would be Candice, and I'd have really high-waisted-mom-type jeans, and my bangs would be sprayed up with a least half a can of hairspray, and the rest of my hair would be permed, and in a high pony-tail pulled up with a brightly colored scrunchie thing, and I'd have light blue eyeshadow, and blue mascara, and my hair would be bleached that yellow-white color, and I'd be wearing perfectly white tennis shoes, and thick red socks. And I'd be walking down to my loser-boyfriend's car, and he'd
say something like "Hey, you ready for that cool awesome party we're going to!?!?!??!?!?" And I'd be like "Yeah, well, you'd better be ready." Because it's the eighties. Nothing you say has to make sense. You can just sit there with youre enormous hair, and be happy that you got good tickets to The Scorpions concert. I mean, there was Regean, and AIDS, and the Soviet Union, but no one really cared. It was just you, your hair, and The Scorpions.

4. There isn't allowed to be any singing.

Yelling is more acceptable form of voicing the god-awful lyrics in most metal songs. This is part of the reason why lyrics don't matter; no one can hear you.

5. Album covers don't have to have anything to do with the album.

Have you ever seen an Iron Maiden album cover? Good. Don't. It will give you nightmares. I mean, I don't really think I understand how badass cover = badass music. If I wanted to, I could take CrimeWatch, draw a zombie foaming at the mouth with blood, and a raven in the background, but every time you listen to it, it's still going to be "Year After Year", which in case you were wondering, is ACTUALLY the worst song ever written. Unless you count "Lime Flies" by nine year old Nancy. Or anything written by U2. Or My Chemical Romance.


And while, 80's Power Rock, is pretty awful, there's part of me that likes it. It's like it's been programmed into me. I guess that's what happens to kids who memorized all of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid" album when they were nine.