Misadventure #4

This morning I was awoken to the sound of my phone ringing, very, very, early. Like 10:00. That's insanely early for someone who went to bed at 3:00 the previous night. I answered it to hear Nancy telling me to come to her house with Sarah. I didn't change clothes or take a shower, I just put on shoes and walked over there. About halfway there, I heard a PSSSSSST sound. I turned around, and saw this Hispanic man, standing halfway out of his door, looking at me. I figured there was no way it was him who made the noise, so I ignored him. Then, I heard it again, and saw him looking, and this time pointing at me. I can't find enough classy adjectives to describe how bothered I was. Then he just kept doing it. PSSSSST PSSSSSSST PSSSSSST! I mean, if he had something to say to me, why didn't he just say "Hey, you, I need to talk to you." Or something other than PSSSST. It's like he was in second grade, and wanted to tell me a secret. Ah, it was so weird.
When I finally arrived at Chez Nancy, I saw Sarah, acting like a retard, which is nothing out of the ordinary. They informed me that they were waiting for Lady In The Water to come on. I advised them against it. I had heard that it was an awful movie, but they (mostly Sarah) were resilient. While we were waiting, we watched "The Wicker Man". This movie was about this man, who is trying to rescue this little girl, after receiving a letter from his estranged ex-fiance, saying that her daughter is missing. He travels to the island of Summers Isle. He finds that the people who live there are crazy-Amish-ish-cult-sacrifice-y people. He searches for the little girl, and suspects that she is going to be sacrificed. When his suspicions are confirmed, he rescues the little girl, and she leads him back to the village, where we realize that HE is the one they want, and that the whole thing was a set up from the beginning. Then they put a mask of bees on his head, break both of his kneecaps, and hang him upside down in a gigantic wooden structure in the shape of a man. Hence, The Wicker Man. This may sound like an interesting plot line to you. But the entire movie was ruined by one thing: Nicolas Cage. There are too many things wrong with Nicolas Cage. The most prominent thing is that he only has one expression: furrowed brow, and mouth slightly open. Very distraught looking. Also, he can't speak correctly, and generally it sounds like he is speaking in low grunting noises. Actually, it's scientifically proven that all your problems can be traced back to Nicolas Cage.
Finally, Lady in the Water came on. There was nothing that could have prepared us for what was to come. The movie started out with some Native American looking animation, that tried to tell the story of how people living in the water were trying to help people on land, but the land people weren’t listening. Thus leading to all the problems we have today. The we make yet another “seamless” transition to this man trying to figure out who has been swimming in the pool after hours. He finds this young girl, who never seems to understand the whole “clothes” concept. Her name is Story, of all things, and we learn that she is a sea-nymph, or Narph. Story was sent to the earth, because she needs to inspire a writer who is writing a book that will eventually change the world. This writer is played by M. Night Shylaman himself. He is also the writer, director, and producer of this defilement of film. The man who found Story is named Cleavland. Story tells Cleavland that she needs to get back to “The Blue World”, and the only way to do this is by means of a giant eagle. However, when the giant eagle comes for her, she is attacked by Scrunts. A scrunt is a big wolf-like creature that is made out of grass, and twigs. The reason it wants to kill Story is because she is a Madame Narph. I don’t remember what that means, but this poses a problem for Cleavland. He goes to this old Korean lady to ask about it, and she says that Narphs are from an ancient Korean bedtime story, and explains that there is a Healer, a Guardian, a Guild, and an Interpreter. Cleaveland must find who these people are. He rounds up the people in the apartment complex in which the whole story is taking place, and explains his dilema. They all immediately believe him. They find who they believe to be the people that can help Story. But when they try to help her get to the eagle, it goes all wrong. So they have to rethink who the people are. And I would go farther into the ridiculous details, but I don’t want you to die a confusing death, so I won’t. The morale of this story is that M. Night Shylaman is losing his touch. I mean, my dog has thrown up things that would make more sense. Lady In The Water seems like one of those movies that was based off a good book, but the movie ruined it. But, no. This was just an awful movie. From the commericials, I thought it was going to be scary, but it was just... gay. It’s all Nicolas Cage’s fault.