Misadventure #5 - Chapter1

Wow. Let me start off by saying that I'm beyond glad that I'm back to the glorious state of Texas. Usually, I don't find much that I can say I like about Texas, but I am so relieved to be back.

It all started on June 7th at about 2:00. I had spent the whole day packing and cleaning out the car. My Dad arrived, and we began our disastrously boring journey. My Mom had bought me and my brother portable DVD players, so the actual driving part of the trip wasn't that bad. I watched The Office, V for Vendetta, House, and other movies. One movie that is very out of the ordinary for me to like is Phantom Of The Opera. Theoretically, there is no reason why I should like this movie. It's a musical, it's Opera, it has disfigured pedophiles, and a mildly confusing plotline. If I had to describe my vacation in one word it would be: awful. So, I should hate this movie. But I don't. I love it. I think I watched it a grand total of three times in twelve days. Anyway, after a couple hours, we stopped in Oklahoma to get some food. Then we drove to a small town outside of Wichita, Kansas. We stayed at the unusually nice Holiday Inn. It was very clean, and that is my number one requirement for hotels. The next day we got back in the car and trudged on. As you may or may not know, there is very little on Highway 35. Basically just flat, grassy land. Which isn't very fun to drive through. But I am not unaccustomed to the doldrums of the Midwest. I've made this trip every year since I was three. So, this is not new. Finally we came upon our accursed destination: Beatrice, Nebraska. (Pronounced BE-AT-TRIS [the Nebraskans will kill you if you pronounce it incorrectly]). This is the third largest town in Nebraska, but don't let that fool you. The only thing of mild importance is the tiny little airport, that has an average of one flight a day. Other than that, there are a few restaurants, a couple gas stations, and two tractor factories, and that's it. This is where I was supposed to be spending 4 wonderfully unfortunate days. The first day, we sat outside my Dad's cousins house, and ate fish (I didn't, but everyone else did.) Then I saw Blake. Blake and I have basically grown up together. At every family reunion I can remember, I have hung out with Blake. He's a bit younger than me, but compared to every other cousin I have, he's the closest in maturity and we share the same sense of humor. Blake, however, is totally immersed in sports. All of them. His Dad pushed him extremely hard to be good at all things athletic. And he is. I very much expected that Blake and I would reaccquaint ourselves, and go on being friends, like we normally do. However, this did not happen. I guess Blake is just too cool to be friends with me now. So, this led to me not having anyone to talk to. My cousin Phil, who is actually two months older than me, is not like me at all. He's one of those comicbook-anime-Lego-StarWars-videogame types. Which is fine. But I am not. So I'm in the middle of nowhere, with nothing to do, and no one to talk to. This is supposed to be vacation.

More Chapters coming later!

Short Update

Oh, dear. It has been an interesting four days. I'm not going to go into my lavishly detailed story right now. The only thing that you need to know is that I'm bored to the extent of it's definition. The highlight of my day was... going to Wal-Mart. I don't even like Wal-Mart. So, if you wish, please contact me in some form or fashion.

Misadventure #4

This morning I was awoken to the sound of my phone ringing, very, very, early. Like 10:00. That's insanely early for someone who went to bed at 3:00 the previous night. I answered it to hear Nancy telling me to come to her house with Sarah. I didn't change clothes or take a shower, I just put on shoes and walked over there. About halfway there, I heard a PSSSSSST sound. I turned around, and saw this Hispanic man, standing halfway out of his door, looking at me. I figured there was no way it was him who made the noise, so I ignored him. Then, I heard it again, and saw him looking, and this time pointing at me. I can't find enough classy adjectives to describe how bothered I was. Then he just kept doing it. PSSSSST PSSSSSSST PSSSSSST! I mean, if he had something to say to me, why didn't he just say "Hey, you, I need to talk to you." Or something other than PSSSST. It's like he was in second grade, and wanted to tell me a secret. Ah, it was so weird.
When I finally arrived at Chez Nancy, I saw Sarah, acting like a retard, which is nothing out of the ordinary. They informed me that they were waiting for Lady In The Water to come on. I advised them against it. I had heard that it was an awful movie, but they (mostly Sarah) were resilient. While we were waiting, we watched "The Wicker Man". This movie was about this man, who is trying to rescue this little girl, after receiving a letter from his estranged ex-fiance, saying that her daughter is missing. He travels to the island of Summers Isle. He finds that the people who live there are crazy-Amish-ish-cult-sacrifice-y people. He searches for the little girl, and suspects that she is going to be sacrificed. When his suspicions are confirmed, he rescues the little girl, and she leads him back to the village, where we realize that HE is the one they want, and that the whole thing was a set up from the beginning. Then they put a mask of bees on his head, break both of his kneecaps, and hang him upside down in a gigantic wooden structure in the shape of a man. Hence, The Wicker Man. This may sound like an interesting plot line to you. But the entire movie was ruined by one thing: Nicolas Cage. There are too many things wrong with Nicolas Cage. The most prominent thing is that he only has one expression: furrowed brow, and mouth slightly open. Very distraught looking. Also, he can't speak correctly, and generally it sounds like he is speaking in low grunting noises. Actually, it's scientifically proven that all your problems can be traced back to Nicolas Cage.
Finally, Lady in the Water came on. There was nothing that could have prepared us for what was to come. The movie started out with some Native American looking animation, that tried to tell the story of how people living in the water were trying to help people on land, but the land people weren’t listening. Thus leading to all the problems we have today. The we make yet another “seamless” transition to this man trying to figure out who has been swimming in the pool after hours. He finds this young girl, who never seems to understand the whole “clothes” concept. Her name is Story, of all things, and we learn that she is a sea-nymph, or Narph. Story was sent to the earth, because she needs to inspire a writer who is writing a book that will eventually change the world. This writer is played by M. Night Shylaman himself. He is also the writer, director, and producer of this defilement of film. The man who found Story is named Cleavland. Story tells Cleavland that she needs to get back to “The Blue World”, and the only way to do this is by means of a giant eagle. However, when the giant eagle comes for her, she is attacked by Scrunts. A scrunt is a big wolf-like creature that is made out of grass, and twigs. The reason it wants to kill Story is because she is a Madame Narph. I don’t remember what that means, but this poses a problem for Cleavland. He goes to this old Korean lady to ask about it, and she says that Narphs are from an ancient Korean bedtime story, and explains that there is a Healer, a Guardian, a Guild, and an Interpreter. Cleaveland must find who these people are. He rounds up the people in the apartment complex in which the whole story is taking place, and explains his dilema. They all immediately believe him. They find who they believe to be the people that can help Story. But when they try to help her get to the eagle, it goes all wrong. So they have to rethink who the people are. And I would go farther into the ridiculous details, but I don’t want you to die a confusing death, so I won’t. The morale of this story is that M. Night Shylaman is losing his touch. I mean, my dog has thrown up things that would make more sense. Lady In The Water seems like one of those movies that was based off a good book, but the movie ruined it. But, no. This was just an awful movie. From the commericials, I thought it was going to be scary, but it was just... gay. It’s all Nicolas Cage’s fault.